Sexuality is fluid

I’ve been bisexual for as long as I can remember. More specifically I realized I was bisexual around the time I was in ninth grade. I was in my bedroom, awake well past my bedtime, crouched on the floor, sitting as close to the TV as possible. The volume was as low as it could be without being off. On this night I was tentatively watching the lesbian/bisexual/transgender soap opera The L Word and I was transfixed by the proud, strong women who proclaimed their sexuality without hesitation.From that moment forward I began identifying myself as bisexual. During high school I kept my preferences mostly to myself in an attempt to avoid the uneasy looks from my peers and the judgmental gaze of my immature friends. While I didn’t deny or conceal my sexuality I certainly wasn’t waving it around.

Recently, I have decided to be more transparent with my sexuality and open with those around me – including them in my little secret. One day while speaking candidly with some friends I dropped what was apparently a bombshell. Upon slipping in the fact that I’m attracted to both men and women, my friends looked at me as if I had suddenly sprouted a second set of eyes. The wrinkled foreheads, shifty glances and momentary silence stunned me; after all I was sitting at a table with progressive individuals, two of which were gay men.

With their faces still twisted in judgement, my so-called friends began voicing their opinions about those who find themselves attracted to both sexes. They made jokes about bisexuals being greedy, indecisive people who didn’t know what they wanted, so they decide to go after anything on two legs. What was most jarring about my conversation with friends was their strange claim that I didn’t actually feel the way I was saying I felt. One of my gay friends chirped that although I was claiming to be more than physically attracted to both sexes, I actually wasn’t. He implied that I was just confused, or worse – pretending. This idea stunned me. A member of my own community, someone who had been told the very same ignorant thing was flinging it right back at me. After this conversation I began to realize that my sexuality would set me more apart from others than I thought.

Outside of that I am facing similar prosecution from the country as a whole. How can I possibly feel like an American when I live in a country that tells me I’m not equal to those with a different sexual preference? As a member of the LGBTIQA (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, questioning and asexual) community, my country hasn’t given me a lot to be proud of as far as gay rights. With the recent passing of Amendment One in North Carolina on Tuesday night, I was feeling as disenfranchised as I felt when my home state of California, voted yes on Proposition 8 which amended the states constitution stating the marriage is only recognized when between a woman and a man. Most people who vote to eliminate rights for LGBTIQA citizens usually accredit their position to their religious beliefs that marriage is only for straights. They think that because they’re on a diet no one else should be allowed to eat doughnuts.

When I came home from school yesterday, I was greeted by a strength and support that I had never experienced before. During a surprising ABC news report President Obama gave a brief explanation of his new stance on gay marriage. After a long discussions with his wife, children and friends, he came to the realization that gay Americans deserve the same rights that straight Americans enjoy. For the first time in American history a sitting president gave his support for gay Americans to have the choice to be legally married.

Sexuality isn’t a black and white issue. Emotions and sexual urges are complicated facets of what it means to be human. While I identify as bisexual, others who find themselves attracted to both sexes are not obligated to put themselves into such a box. It’s okay to not fully understand sexuality, because sexuality is fluid. It’s ever changing. Some days I feel more attracted to women and on other days more attracted to men. Either way I remain the same person day to day.